I don't have to do well

Yesterday, I had my driving lessons again after 1.5 months of no lessons. From my last post, I dealt with rejection, with trying to motivate myself day in and out at work with the impending end of contract at the back of my mind.

So, at breakfast I told my husband I was nervous about my lesson at noon. I said I was feeling stressed. He just said, no reason to be. Just go and have fun. I knew why I was nervous. I was afraid to make mistakes. He knew it of course but my husband is ever so gentle he just asked, "does your teacher still intervene a lot?" I said very little. "Well, he added, you havent had that much lessons yet." He's right. I need to actually give myself a pat on the back for learning quickly. And I need to remember, thats what lessons are for - to make mistakes! Don't know where it came from, as it certainly brought me relief, I said to myself "You don't need to perform, you don't have to do well." In the end, I did well yestrday. I also didnt realize I knew a lot about driving already at only 10 lessons. 

This morning I woke up and told myself that the more I trust myself about my learning curve, like I used to, the faster Ill learn and the more I will enjoy the process. More importantly, I can avoid unnecessary stress. I hope to keep on thinking this way until I unlearn perfectionism and stop masking my insecurities with it.

God's Grace and more...

I would not know how to begin to thank God for His grace or even rave about.

The day when I found out I lost my job, I was so grateful that 1) I scheduled lunch that day with a good friend who comforted me and calmed me down a bit. When I got home 2) my husband literally spent 2 hours on the couch with me just comforting me by listening and planning the next steps for us. He was so supportive of the situation that he acted on it as soon as he could. 3) On my way home, although I know my therapist is super busy, I called to see if my therapist is free. What a coincidence that somebody cancelled. This way, I could see him on Thursday. Perfect!

The next day, although I had a headache, I took it as a sign to relax. My best girl from highschool made sometime for me and thanks to affordable Skype, we could really talk. I was afterwards comforted by my brother. Apart from that, I send numerous SMS to other gfs and I got so many words of affirmation. Its overrated to say that support from loved ones is so important in a very tough moment such as rejection.

I mean, I am just so thankful for what God has brought as a support for me. True that I still feel uncertain about the future, but I am praying that Thy will be done and that He prepares me mentally and emotionally for what is to come...

After Rejection

Today I just found out that my job contract would not be renewed. I was shocked. Almost 3 weeks ago, I had a conversation with my boss about working on my reintegration to my old role. When she told me the sad news today, I could only ask questions on what changed. 

I asked 3x why she changed her mind, why shes not pushing through with my reintegration program and Im happy I did. Im proud I did. 6 months ago, I wouldnt be able to ask this question at all and just accept what my boss said. I came from a culture where bosses are treated with such respect as a source of authority.

I know, despite my momentary lack of motivation to work because of what happened at the beginning of my career here in the Netherlands, I always had the interest of my teams. I know Im a people manager and that I am an effective coach. I am talented in building relationships in and out of my team, I am a quick learner and I am creative. With my determined spirit and intelligence, I can conquer any challenges in team management.

I realized that processing rejection is not an easy process. I need to feel the hurt and if I can get answers as to why, I need to get them. I have the right to know what to learn from.  As what my husband said, there is freedom in this. At least I know that I dont need to fight anymore. I can spend the next 2 months looking for a new opportunity and rebuild a new career path. It is time for a fresh start...

It is important for me to stay not just positive but to keep in my heart Gods promises. God is a good God. His plans are good, pleasing and perfect. He is always in control. As in the verse that I read also today, I will not stop praying....I pray that God gives me the grace to rise above this rejection stronger than ever, that He showers me with favor as I look for a job that will hopefully give me a knowledge migrant visa or that my husband could find a job soon so he can sponsor me in my stay here so I there wont be any gap between now and my new visa but most of all, may I yield to His will. 

God surpasses my strength and limitations. And because of that, I am powerful.

Life is a Gift, etc.

When I woke up yesterday, I began to pray and started thanking above for the wonderful blessings that I have...my fiance who's been very supportive with my healing process, our house that's nicely located, my friends back in my hometown, my fun friends here in Singapore, and my family. My life is indeed a life to be grateful about...indeed, life is a gift..

Recently, I made a conscious decision to not take things too personally. Not everything is about me. A word, words that my fiance say/s that I don't seem to like is not about me being unpleasant, wrong, stupid, or idiotic. I need to consciously desuade myself from thinking that mistakes and unpleasant things happen because of me. It is not true. I am a gift to my fiance, my friends, to the people that I consciously affect and subconsciously as well. I can in fact make a difference in my relationships. I am not perfect but things do not go wrong within my relationships because of me. Sometimes, it is their decision that makes it so. How I respond is my responsibility.

When I get almost drowned in my negative thoughts, I shake my head and try to laugh at myself. Not taking myself too seriously helps a lot.

Violence is an escape. Suicide, or inflicting others pain via words or merely thoughts of it is a form of escape. It is also a voice within me telling me that I need to be calm in facing the challenges of the phases of life where I am in. 

Acceptance is a big step for me as well; to accept that I can be loved and can be seen as lovable. I need to accept that I can stop protecting myself from getting hurt and I can stop myself from shielding myself from true love.

Healing is an everyday decision...

I am Strong...

One of the things that my therapist had said to me is that it is important to believe in your strong characteristics and love yourself for those characteristics...

I am strong...and I love myself for being a fighter, a faithful person to myself and to love, and for being resilient despite all the negative things that had happened to me.

I am a scarred woman. I was sexually abused in my kindergarten days by my own cousin, molested by my own father when I was 10. I've seen my parents separate many times. I've seen how my father physically abused my mother, filled her with terror in times of his drunkenness and I've seen my mother's anguish as he womanized unstoppably. I bear in my heart and memory, hurtful thoughts of what my father said to me and did to me...That I am no better than a prostitute. I also endured my mother's bitterness over her past and the events from with her relationship with my dad...

Yet, I graduated Cum Laude and have always shown to people that I can be great!

This is just where my story is starting...and this is why I start writing here...so I can share my everyday journey towards healing so I can become a nice wife in the future, maybe a mother too someday, and improve the overall quality of my relationships...I believe I can touch many lives as I myself am moved by own strength...