Sunday, May 24, 2009

Life is a Gift, etc.

When I woke up yesterday, I began to pray and started thanking above for the wonderful blessings that I have...my fiance who's been very supportive with my healing process, our house that's nicely located, my friends back in my hometown, my fun friends here in Singapore, and my family. My life is indeed a life to be grateful about...indeed, life is a gift..

Recently, I made a conscious decision to not take things too personally. Not everything is about me. A word, words that my fiance say/s that I don't seem to like is not about me being unpleasant, wrong, stupid, or idiotic. I need to consciously desuade myself from thinking that mistakes and unpleasant things happen because of me. It is not true. I am a gift to my fiance, my friends, to the people that I consciously affect and subconsciously as well. I can in fact make a difference in my relationships. I am not perfect but things do not go wrong within my relationships because of me. Sometimes, it is their decision that makes it so. How I respond is my responsibility.

When I get almost drowned in my negative thoughts, I shake my head and try to laugh at myself. Not taking myself too seriously helps a lot.

Violence is an escape. Suicide, or inflicting others pain via words or merely thoughts of it is a form of escape. It is also a voice within me telling me that I need to be calm in facing the challenges of the phases of life where I am in. 

Acceptance is a big step for me as well; to accept that I can be loved and can be seen as lovable. I need to accept that I can stop protecting myself from getting hurt and I can stop myself from shielding myself from true love.

Healing is an everyday decision...

Friday, May 22, 2009

I am Strong...

One of the things that my therapist had said to me is that it is important to believe in your strong characteristics and love yourself for those characteristics...

I am strong...and I love myself for being a fighter, a faithful person to myself and to love, and for being resilient despite all the negative things that had happened to me.

I am a scarred woman. I was sexually abused in my kindergarten days by my own cousin, molested by my own father when I was 10. I've seen my parents separate many times. I've seen how my father physically abused my mother, filled her with terror in times of his drunkenness and I've seen my mother's anguish as he womanized unstoppably. I bear in my heart and memory, hurtful thoughts of what my father said to me and did to me...That I am no better than a prostitute. I also endured my mother's bitterness over her past and the events from with her relationship with my dad...

Yet, I graduated Cum Laude and have always shown to people that I can be great!

This is just where my story is starting...and this is why I start writing here...so I can share my everyday journey towards healing so I can become a nice wife in the future, maybe a mother too someday, and improve the overall quality of my relationships...I believe I can touch many lives as I myself am moved by own strength...